Those of you who know me well will know that you hardly ever see me wearing lipstick. Not even on very formal occasions.
There is a reason for this. You see, I eat the stuff. I'm addicted. Put lipstick on my lips and I instantly consume it to the very last bit. Five minutes, max - and it's all gone.
Do I do it deliberately? No, of course not. I mean, who wants to spend all that money on a tube of brand-name lipstick and then never see the benefit? I don't consciously eat the stuff. But the proof is there - when I look in the mirror, there is none. If I want a photo of myself looking lusciously sultry with shiny red lips, I have to apply it and then look straight into the camera, saying, "Quick, quick, before it's gone!"
No problem, said my kids. There's lipstick around now that is lick-proof. You know, the sort those synchronised swimmers wear...
So off I went and bought some. It was a bit like applying industrial strength paint suitable for, say, a battleship (ok, wrong colour, but thick glue-like stuff that should last through a sea battle or two). Worse, it makes your lips dry out like dehydrated hardtack for naval recruits.
Never mind, the kids had warned me; you just use lipgloss over the top. Right. Know how long lipgloss stays on my lips? About 30 seconds. If I'm lucky.
Fortunately for my reputation, I applied the industrial strength lipstick at home first, and then returned to the bathroom ten minutes later to see how it was holding up.
All gone. Lips as naked as the day they were born, and a lot less cute.
My jaw dropped.
Which is when I saw what had happened to the warpaint for lips.
It was now strongly adhering to my teeth. Glenda, Queen of the Vampires, had struck again.
I had to take a cloth and apply lots of elbow grease to remove it. Now why the hell can't it stick to my lips like that??
Which is why you will rarely see me wearing lipstick.